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PWI Whisperer: meet the applicants (DJ)

Hello, generic PWI, I am applying for the "token" position. Below, you will find my life resume that displays a high level of assimilation, white gazing, and "mainstream" appeal.

Hotchkiss Elementary School, Nowhere, Texas 1996-2001

  • Befriended by at least 1 white person

  • Memorized every scene and line from the movie "My Girl"

  • Began my study of whiteness, specifically the "nice white lady" archetype

  • Started journaling, wearing leather jackets, and sitting in chairs backwards after viewing the movie "Dangerous Minds"

    • Note: Still sits in chairs backwards now as the edgy educator, thanks to Michelle Pfeiffer's masterful take on the white savior complex

St. PWI College Prep, Conservative City, Texas 2001-2007

  • Befriended by at least 2 white people

  • Groomed in a religious school modeled after the film "Dead Poet's Society"

  • Labeled as an "at-risk" "urban" and "under-privileged" youth

  • Corroborated the studies on busing to "end" school segregation

  • Showed an ability to crossover by frequenting the "Black" lunch table that contained all 10 of the school's non-white or "at-risk" youth

  • Wore Stacy Adams (as substitutes for Sperry boat shoes) and black Nike Air Forces

  • Attended at least 1 bar mitzvah and 1 "Black Tie" event to learn the different kinds and levels of whiteness and wealth

Student Awards, St. PWI College Prep, Texas 2001-2007

  • Named one of the most "articulate" Black people on campus

  • Won National High School Code-Switcher of the Year in 2005

  • Inducted into a secret academic society in 2006 (cloaked and all)

  • Graduated Cum Laude

  • Voted "most likely to attend another PWI"

PWI University, Unaffordable City, California 2007-2011

  • Befriended by at least 3 white people

  • Earned but declined first "Woke Police" Badge

  • Obtained a Bachelor's degree in African and African American Studies

  • Earned honorary doctorate (Ph. D) in white studies with over 20 years of lifelong research and still continuing

    • Note: wears hood weekly to show allegiance to individuals and institutions in hoods (cough, cough)

Some Religious PWI, Some Tech City, California 2011-2021

  • Befriended by at least 4 white people and at least 1 non-white/non-Black person

  • Became the fifth Black teacher in school's 200 year-history

    • Note: Served as school's 304th Black basketball coach

  • Lifted and accepted the white man's burden

  • Worked on school's hiring committee to welcome applicants who look like a "culture fit" and have a mild interest in lacrosse

    • Note: requires applicants and new faculty to study the film "Dangerous Minds"

  • Replaced Ethnic Studies and Critical Race Theory with more American History and European Studies courses

  • Once pointed to and waved at by white women in Subarus at a BLM protest

    • Note: returned a look of disdain and disgust back at those so-called protesters

  • Can properly pronounce the names "Ciara," "Siobahn," and "Naimh"

  • Created "Blue Lives Matter" sweaters as a proxy for varsity sports letterman jackets

See my cover letter on the next page. Click here to see original job posting.

Thank You.

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