Hello, generic PWI, I am applying for the "token" position. Below, you will find my life resume that displays a high level of assimilation, white gazing, and "mainstream" appeal.
Hotchkiss Elementary School, Nowhere, Texas 1996-2001
Befriended by at least 1 white person
Memorized every scene and line from the movie "My Girl"
Began my study of whiteness, specifically the "nice white lady" archetype
Started journaling, wearing leather jackets, and sitting in chairs backwards after viewing the movie "Dangerous Minds"
Note: Still sits in chairs backwards now as the edgy educator, thanks to Michelle Pfeiffer's masterful take on the white savior complex
St. PWI College Prep, Conservative City, Texas 2001-2007
Befriended by at least 2 white people
Groomed in a religious school modeled after the film "Dead Poet's Society"
Labeled as an "at-risk" "urban" and "under-privileged" youth
Corroborated the studies on busing to "end" school segregation
Showed an ability to crossover by frequenting the "Black" lunch table that contained all 10 of the school's non-white or "at-risk" youth
Wore Stacy Adams (as substitutes for Sperry boat shoes) and black Nike Air Forces
Attended at least 1 bar mitzvah and 1 "Black Tie" event to learn the different kinds and levels of whiteness and wealth
Student Awards, St. PWI College Prep, Texas 2001-2007
Named one of the most "articulate" Black people on campus
Won National High School Code-Switcher of the Year in 2005
Inducted into a secret academic society in 2006 (cloaked and all)
Graduated Cum Laude
Voted "most likely to attend another PWI"
PWI University, Unaffordable City, California 2007-2011
Befriended by at least 3 white people
Earned but declined first "Woke Police" Badge
Obtained a Bachelor's degree in African and African American Studies
Earned honorary doctorate (Ph. D) in white studies with over 20 years of lifelong research and still continuing
Note: wears hood weekly to show allegiance to individuals and institutions in hoods (cough, cough)
Some Religious PWI, Some Tech City, California 2011-2021
Befriended by at least 4 white people and at least 1 non-white/non-Black person
Became the fifth Black teacher in school's 200 year-history
Note: Served as school's 304th Black basketball coach
Lifted and accepted the white man's burden
Worked on school's hiring committee to welcome applicants who look like a "culture fit" and have a mild interest in lacrosse
Note: requires applicants and new faculty to study the film "Dangerous Minds"
Replaced Ethnic Studies and Critical Race Theory with more American History and European Studies courses
Once pointed to and waved at by white women in Subarus at a BLM protest
Note: returned a look of disdain and disgust back at those so-called protesters
Can properly pronounce the names "Ciara," "Siobahn," and "Naimh"
Created "Blue Lives Matter" sweaters as a proxy for varsity sports letterman jackets
See my cover letter on the next page. Click here to see original job posting.
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