Thank you for your consideration. We are actually trying to fill the "token" role, also known as the "sycophant" (syco for short). There has never been and will never be a PWI Whisperer. What a ridiculous title and even bigger liability!
Job Description:
This "syco" role is a full-time assistant position with no personal benefits but great value to the institution. Here, at our generic PWI (predominantly white institution), our motto is "protect the institution at all costs." This role will require a great deal of emotional intelligence, mental fitness, spiritual fortitude, compliance, parenting skills, and strong coping strategies for cognitive dissonance, stress, and dysfunction. Upon review, a syco can be promoted to an "Uncle Tom," which is a key side role in the house of executive administrators.
Qualifications:
The syco must be a person of color.
Note: skin must be visibly brown and features undoubtedly ethnic in order to ensure no confusion or ambiguity, especially for photo opportunities and positive press.
Note: identification as another marginalized identity is a plus (i.e. woman of color, LGBT+, etc.)
Note: we do not have much room (or patience) for deviant or "woke" white folks.
The syco must embrace and embody only Eurocentric ideologies.
The syco must be very sensitive, empathetic, and even more accommodating to white fragility and color-blind racial frameworks.
Job Duties:
Provide constant unconditional affirmation, consolation, and emotional support for administrators.
Note: prepare to respond to texts and calls at any time of the day and night.
Note: the PWI owns you, your time, your leisure, even your bed time.
Agree, comply with, and applaud (literally put your hands together and clap for) every decision made by executive administrators and departmental chairs.
Interface as sole representative and spokesperson for all people of color in the world.
Oversee all DEI directors and committees to ensure policies are equitable and inclusive in writing but performative or nonexistent in practice.
Sign off blindly on any and all so-called DEI policies even though all have been pre-written without the syco's consultation.
Display public gratitude, excitement, and indebtedness when micromanaged, silenced, demoted, and or replaced.
Assume the lead on any damage control to maintain the illusion of inclusion.
Coach and monitor any faculty or staff deemed "radical"or "non-compliant."
Reframe and describe critical race theory as multiculturalism.
Master double-speak and other coded language such as "urban populations," "diversity recruits," and "culture fit."
Participate in the hiring process to ensure applicants are great "culture fits."
Keep administrators abreast of culturally appropriate ethnic greetings, en vogue youth colloquialisms, and other current trends.
Act as on-call secretary, therapist, bartender, and or wet-nurse.
Note: minor duties include baby-sitting, breastfeeding, and foreign language instruction for children of administrators.
Note: a syco must know basic trigonometry in order to pour beer without foam.
FaceTime each and every executive administrator and board member to wish them good morning, good night, and happy holidays, each and every day.
Note: a syco must have an iPhone.
Note: FaceTime allows our PWI to save face.
Assume the emotional burden of tending to the physical, psychological, and professional needs and wounds of co-workers who are overworked and undervalued.
Know the proper techniques for shoe-shining, housekeeping, and foot massages.
Note: a syco's saliva must be used to shine shoes, meaning said saliva must leave syco's mouth and make direct contact with shoes of any executive administrator.
Note: a syco's fingers must get in between the toes to ensure a quality massage.
Wipe away any and all administrator tears with the softest of tissues.
Note: only tissue that exfoliates can be used.
Note: a syco must be able to properly blot tears and sweat without ruining makeup.
Maintain institutional code of silence to avoid negative press, truth-telling, and actual dialogues about white supremacy and the school's complicity.
Dance on command when administrators need comical relief.
Reframe micro-aggressions as micro-affirmations of our mission.
Avoid the flash of cameras.
Note: a syco must also denounce Jordan Peele as a screenwriter and film director.
Perfect smiling and grinning, especially when shit hits the fan and your face.
Send resumes and cover letters to www.justblackthoughts.com. Just joking...
THANK YOU.
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