Hello, generic PWI, I am applying for the "token" position. Below, you will find my life resume that shows a commitment to tradition, service-learning, and a Puritan work ethic.
Sister Act College Prep, Grades K-5, Montpelier, Vermont 1994-1999
Attended a single-sex all-girl school for grades K-12
Note: 13-year graduates were known and labeled as "lifers" in the system
Grew up in a wealthy city with a 93% white population and 2% Black population
Attended Bible study six days a week
Mastered hot comb hair-straightening techniques
Note: burnt the kitchen only twice over the course of 13 years of K-12 schooling
Welcomed classmates to touch, examine, and smell hair
Learned to code-switch between modern English and King James English
Note: parents studied Shakespeare and Latin in college
Raised to reject AAVE and stay away from anyone who spoke it
Note: Internalized "Stranger Danger" to include "Language Strangers"
Note: if you don't know what AAVE is, just know it's a leftist, liberal artsy myth
Sister Act College Prep, Grades 6-8, Montpelier, Vermont
Chosen for school basketball team without trying out or expressing any interest
Note: coaches needed someone who looked intimidating or Black (same thing)
Auditioned for "Juliet" in the school play Romeo and Juliet
Note: given a backstage role as a makeup artist
Note: understands how white skin is made up
Introduced the music of Stevie Wonder to the school choir as the lead singer
Sister Act College Prep, Grades 9-12, Montpelier, Vermont
Graduated as the only Black female Valedictorian
Invited to become a debutante but declined due to "cultural differences"
Note: worked as a server during the debutante balls
Served as the founding President of the "Setting the BARR" student group
Note: BARR stands for "Blacks Acknowledging Reverse Racism"
Learned to manage people, animals, and equipment while working as a farm hand
Note: continued her great great grandfather's legacy by working on the same plantation that was the site of his first and only "internship"
Hometown Hero University, Montpelier, Vermont
Completed undergraduate degree in three years
Double-majored in civil engineering and agricultural business
Completed a service-learning project abroad that involved teaching democracy, capitalism, and American values and virtues to African students in the Ivory Coast
Paid for school by working as a bartender at a local country club
Note: acquired the accents, mannerisms, and dad jokes of white businessmen
Note: counseled married, middle-aged white men
Note: perfected golf swing and tennis backhand
Sister Act College Prep, STEM & Latin Teacher, Montpelier,Vermont 2010-2020
Originally hired as an assistant tennis coach at alma mater
Led a zero period study hall for black girls to learn safe ways to straighten their hair
Introduced the gospel of Candace Owens to the faculty and student body
Denounced Rachel Dolezal and BLM as national threats
Taught the Constitution of Vermont as a nod to and confirmation of good white people and as a sign of our country's high moral character and progression past America's (alleged) original sin of slavery
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