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PWI Whisperer: meet the applicants (BW)

Hello, generic PWI, I am applying for the "token" position. Below, you will find my life resume that shows a commitment to tradition, service-learning, and a Puritan work ethic.

Sister Act College Prep, Grades K-5, Montpelier, Vermont 1994-1999

  • Attended a single-sex all-girl school for grades K-12

    • Note: 13-year graduates were known and labeled as "lifers" in the system

  • Grew up in a wealthy city with a 93% white population and 2% Black population

  • Attended Bible study six days a week

  • Mastered hot comb hair-straightening techniques

    • Note: burnt the kitchen only twice over the course of 13 years of K-12 schooling

  • Welcomed classmates to touch, examine, and smell hair

  • Learned to code-switch between modern English and King James English

    • Note: parents studied Shakespeare and Latin in college

  • Raised to reject AAVE and stay away from anyone who spoke it

    • Note: Internalized "Stranger Danger" to include "Language Strangers"

    • Note: if you don't know what AAVE is, just know it's a leftist, liberal artsy myth

Sister Act College Prep, Grades 6-8, Montpelier, Vermont


  • Chosen for school basketball team without trying out or expressing any interest

    • Note: coaches needed someone who looked intimidating or Black (same thing)

  • Auditioned for "Juliet" in the school play Romeo and Juliet

    • Note: given a backstage role as a makeup artist

    • Note: understands how white skin is made up

  • Introduced the music of Stevie Wonder to the school choir as the lead singer

Sister Act College Prep, Grades 9-12, Montpelier, Vermont


  • Graduated as the only Black female Valedictorian

  • Invited to become a debutante but declined due to "cultural differences"

    • Note: worked as a server during the debutante balls

  • Served as the founding President of the "Setting the BARR" student group

    • Note: BARR stands for "Blacks Acknowledging Reverse Racism"

  • Learned to manage people, animals, and equipment while working as a farm hand

    • Note: continued her great great grandfather's legacy by working on the same plantation that was the site of his first and only "internship"

Hometown Hero University, Montpelier, Vermont


  • Completed undergraduate degree in three years

  • Double-majored in civil engineering and agricultural business

  • Completed a service-learning project abroad that involved teaching democracy, capitalism, and American values and virtues to African students in the Ivory Coast

  • Paid for school by working as a bartender at a local country club

    • Note: acquired the accents, mannerisms, and dad jokes of white businessmen

    • Note: counseled married, middle-aged white men

    • Note: perfected golf swing and tennis backhand

Sister Act College Prep, STEM & Latin Teacher, Montpelier,Vermont 2010-2020

  • Originally hired as an assistant tennis coach at alma mater

  • Led a zero period study hall for black girls to learn safe ways to straighten their hair

  • Introduced the gospel of Candace Owens to the faculty and student body

  • Denounced Rachel Dolezal and BLM as national threats

  • Taught the Constitution of Vermont as a nod to and confirmation of good white people and as a sign of our country's high moral character and progression past America's (alleged) original sin of slavery


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